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Great Collection of Clean Jokes

Jokes 1 - Jokes 2 - Jokes 3 - Jokes 4 - Jokes 5

Greatest Joke in the World - Fun Competitions

Jokes for the Ladies

Some Bumper Stickers for the Ladies

SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AM NOT GOING.

DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.

AND YOUR POINT IS?

WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.

Books on Women

What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."

"What is the thickest book in the world?
What Men Think They Know About Women"

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, cheque or credit card?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
From Anabelle

How to Park

What a Woman Wants in a Man

What I Want In A Man,

Original List ... (at age 22)
-----------------------------------
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

What I Want In A Man,

Revised List ... (at age 32)
-----------------------------------
1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want In A Man,

Revised List ... (at age 42)
----------------------------------
1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends

What I Want In A Man

Revised List ... (at age 52)
----------------------------------
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends

What I Want In A Man

Revised List ... (at age 62)
----------------------------------
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Doesn't forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...

What I Want In A Man

Revised List ... (at age 72)
----------------------------------
1. Breathing

----------------------------------

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Barbies

A Lady goes to the toy shop to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie but doesn't know what's available or price.

The clerk replies "we have Tennis Barbie and she's £20" Lady asks "well, anything else?" "We have an equestrian Barbie, and she's £20". Lady asks "anything else?" "Well, we have divorced Barbie and she's £150" The lady replies "

I don't understand why divorced Barbie is so expensive. The others were only £20. What is so special about divorced Barbie?"

The clerk replied "Simple, she comes with Ken's car, his house, and all his other stuff."

Annual meeting of single, straight, emotionally stable, financially secure, intelligent men looking for a long term commitment

Genie and the men

One day three guys were out walking, and they found a lamp. So, they rubbed the lamp and a genie popped out.

He says "I'll grant you each one wish."

These guys weren't so bright, so they all wanted to be smarter.

The first guy says "I wish I was 10 times smarter." The genie says "POOF! You're 10 times smarter."

The second guy says "I wish to to be 100 times smarter." and the genie says "POOF! You're 100 times smarter."

The last guy says "I wish to be 1000 times smarter" And the genie says "POOF!! You're a woman!!"

Blenders

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why

When a Man Cooks For a Woman

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do.

When a man volunteers to do the cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:

The woman goes to the store and buys the food.
The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a soda.
The man places the meat on the grill.
The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is done.
The man takes the meat off the grill and puts it on a plate for the woman.
The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off from cooking?" And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy Surfer

What do you call ?

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: Rumour

The Proposal

One evening, a young woman came home from a
date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony
proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist.
Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between
the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong
he is."

One Kiss a Metre

A pretty young lady goes into a drapery shop with her grandmother.

"How much a metre is it", the young lady asks.

"For you, just one kiss a metre", the young salesman replies.

She agrees and is given the order.

The young man awaits in great expectation.

"Granny please pay the man"

Toilet Roll

Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

A: We don't know. Never happens.

The Ultimate Car parking Gadget

Movie Film Video

Dear Tech Support

Help!! Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewellery applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as Dinner dancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as Poker Night 1.3, Saturday Football 5.0, Golf 2.4 and Clutter Everywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this general purpose utility is of limited effectiveness.

Can you help, please!!!

Signed, Jane

Dear Jane,

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0 because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their "old time" favourite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support". You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with Heartbreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0 and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologise 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:/I APOLOGISE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete.

Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in the coming years.

We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Sincerely, Tech Support

"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde." Dolly Parton.

Girls Strike Back

Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.

Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.

Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.

Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted several times.

Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A. "My wife says..."

Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they're all pigs.

Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.

Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.

Why Dogs Are Better Than Men

* Dogs always think you're smart and don't make fun of your shortcomings
* Dogs are willing to sleep on a rug and fetch on command
* Dogs spend less time worrying about hair loss
* Old buddies don't show up on doorstep unexpectedly
* Dogs are utterly disinterested in professional sports
* Your parents find them easier to like
* Dogs are rarely jealous of your former boyfriends
* Dogs are willing to hold your purse in public
* Unlikely to roll over and lose consciousness immediately following intense play
* Dogs don't complain when you want to go for a walk
* Dogs are willing to eat anything you put on their plate and will always want more
* Dogs tend to bath themselves daily, men must be encouraged to do so
* You can put a dog in a crate when you don't feel like having it around
* Dogs expect to go outside on leashes... men think they can do everything on their own
* Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
* Dogs miss you when you're gone.
* You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
* Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
* Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
* Dogs don't criticize your friends.
* Dogs admit when they're jealous.
* Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
* Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
* Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know
the most important thing is that you're together.
* Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
* You can train a dog.
* Dogs are easy to buy for.
* Dogs are good with kids.
* Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
* You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
* Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
* Dogs understand what NO means.
* Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
* Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
* Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
* Dogs do not read at the table.
* You can house train a dog.
* You can force a dog to take a bath.
* Dogs don't correct your stories.
* Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
* Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
* Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.
* Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
* Dogs love to dance
* Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
* Dogs admit it when they're lost.
* Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
* Dogs look at your eyes.
* Dogs like your size.
* Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
* Dogs take care of their own needs.
* Dogs are colour blind.
* Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
* Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
* Dogs are nice to your relatives.
* Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.
* Dogs don't care how you dress.

Fairy Tale

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond, in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said "elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother. You can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel grateful and happy doing so".

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: "I don't think so !"

Bridging the Gap

One day three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The first man prayed to God, saying "please God, give me the strength to cross this river".
Poof....
God gave him big arms and strong legs. Despite almost drowning a couple of times he was able to swim across the river in about two hours.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying "please God, give me the strength ... and the tools to cross this river".
Poof....
God gave him a rowboat. Despite almost capsizing the boat a couple of times, he was able to row across the river in about an hour.

The third man seeing how it had worked out for the other two, also prayed to God, saying "please God, give me the strength and the tools ..... and the intelligence to cross this river".
Poof.....
God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge

Love of money

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.

He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"

She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.

"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!!!!?

"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a cheque."

Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman

Eye, Eye

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theatre followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!

Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye."

Missing ?

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbour to report her husband was missing.

The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbour protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yeah, but who wants HIM back?"

Why God ? !

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her."

"But God," the man says, "Why did you make her so dumb?"

God says: "So she could love you."

Lots of help and advice on relationships here

With some dating advice here

Comments

Just funny and clean

The problem I have is that it's OK for adverts like, "oooooooh... Diet Coke break!" where the women oggle the sweaty bronzed work men, but turn that advert on it's head and all hell would break loose. Methinks either everyone should be fair game, or no-one at all.

I'm male and I think it's perfectly fine. If someone can't take it he's a wuss. That's why they are jokes, you laugh.

I think everyone should inherit a sense of humour!

This page rocks!!!! Its not like men don't do the same thing!!!

I think that it is so not fair that we can't make fun of men cause all those jokes are all true!!!

I love this page how funny there's nothing like a stupid man joke to brighten the day - They have enough blonde joke y not !

This page is crass. I'm a girl but the whole thing is a feminist party that paints men as dumb, stupid, overweight creeps. Maybe a lot of them are, but so are a lot of women. To tell the truth, I hate this page.

This humour is based on the old battle of the sexes which has gone on time since Adam and Eve. Nobody really believes that all men or all women are stupid. A world without a laugh would be a strange place.

I'm sorry but that girl needs to get over herself, you think that the guys who make jokes about women really care! HELL NO! and I'm pretty sure if you looked on the guy jokes page they'd be some anti women ones on there. I'm a girl, I loved these jokes, keep them up!

Well, I'm a girl too and I don't think these jokes are too nice. I just checked out the men's jokes page and it isn't too bad over there. I think this is really feminist-oriented. Just put yourself in all the men's places. My brother was put off after reading this. So think about it

Let's have a vote on it, if the question seems loaded, suggest another question, just to be fair :-)

Is it OK to make fun of the male species ?

Not OK

Only if it doesn't

hurt their Pride

The OK faction is way ahead, we still need more votes :-)

Have your say