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Flying Blind

All the passengers are seated on a plane out on the tarmac and the stewardess announces “we’re just waiting for the pilots.”

The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane.

Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind.

There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke.

The men board the plane and go into the cockpit.

More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers.

The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it’s takeoff.

As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway.

The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway.

The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves.

In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says “you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die!”

Christ and the Aliens

A race of aliens visits earth one day; they come in peace, are real nice and surprisingly, they speak English.
 
Heads of government and religious leaders want  to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting.

When it's the pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our lord and  savior Jesus Christ?".
 
"You mean J.C?", responds the alien "yeah we know him he's the  greatest isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are  doing ok".
 
Surprised, the pope follows up with "He visits every year?!

It's been  over 2 thousand years and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!".

The  alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying  to rationalize "maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?".
 
The pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?".

The alien replies "Yea, when he FIRST visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates. Why? What did you guys do?"

The Smuggler


He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.  The guard stops him and says, "What’s in the bags?"
 
"Sand," answered the youngster.
 
The guard says, "We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!" The  guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds  nothing in them but sand. He detains the youngster overnight and has the  sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in  the bags.  
 
The guard releases the yo, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them  onto the younster's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.  
 
The next day, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says the youngster.
 
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to the youngster and he crosses the border on his  bicycle.  This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year. .
 
Finally, the youngster doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets  him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you  are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about… I  can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
 
The youngster answers, "Bicycles."

Pirate
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey


Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
I’m excited to see you too!

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Isabelle.
Isabelle who?
Isabelle working, or should I keep knocking?

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anyone want to let me in?

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Boo hoo.
Boo hoo who?
Aww, don’t cry—it’s just a joke.

Problems with Japanese Banking Sector


Recent concerns indicate the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of  improving.

Following last month's news  that Origami Bank had folded, it was today learned that Sumo Bank has  gone belly up.

Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.

 
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 jobs at  Karate Bank will be chopped.

There are reports that's there something  fishy going on at the Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw  deal.

Atomisation


Wake Up
Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
A: It's okay. He woke up.

Bike Route
A  piece of black Tarmac walks into the pub acting all hard and swearing.

In walks a piece of green Tarmac and the black Tarmac runs out.

The same  thing happens the next day and the next. Finally the landlord say to  the black Tarmac:

"Why are you so scared of the green Tarmac?"

Black Tarmac responds "You don't understand - he's a cyclepath"



A man walks into a bar with a newt in his hands.
 
The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?”
 
"Tiny” the man replies.
 
"What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”
 
"Because…He’s my newt.”

How to cope with traffic


Q. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
A. One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

Q: What's the most beautiful thing in mathematics?
A: A cute angle

Q: What did the ocean say to the airplane?
A: Nothing, it just waved.

Q: Why did the young plane study so hard?
A: He really wanted a higher education!

Q: What do you call a flying policeman?
A: A helicopper!
Comments and more clean jokes welcome


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