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Greatest Joke in the World

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↓↓↓ Best Joke So Far ↓↓↓

Gorillas

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers.

↓↓↓ Latest Jokes Added ↓↓↓

Tense Situation

The past, the present and the future walk into a bar, it was tense !

Practice

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

Termite

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the Bar tender here?"

↓↓↓ Contenders for the Throne ↓↓↓

Library

A blonde walks into a library and says, "Can I have a burger and fries?". The librarian says, "I'm sorry, this is a library." ... So the blonde whispers, "Can I have a burger and fries?"

Arm and a Leg

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left leg and arm in a car crash? He's all right now.

3 legged dog

3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. Sidles up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Little Boy

Why did the little boy fall off his bicycle? Because somebody threw a fridge at him..

Bar

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

How Old ?

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?". "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'...."Twenty-six," he said.

Swat

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Brown Bag Jake

A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown paper Jake?", he asks. "What's he look like?", asks one shoddy looking cowboy. "Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket." "So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy.... "Rustlin'...", replies the Sheriff.

Physics

So a neutron walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer, please." And the bartender gives him one and the neutron says, "thanks, how much?" and the bartender says, "For you? No charge."

6 and 7

Why is 6 afraid of 7 ?

Because 7 8 9

Puff

There's a blonde, a brunette and a ginger and a magic mirror floats into the room and says if you tell a lie you go "puff" into space, the ginger steps up and says the brunette's hair is green "puff" she's gone the brunette says I think blondes are smart "puff" she's gone and then the blonde says i think... "puff"

Saucy

Q: What’s the best way to see flying saucers? ... A: Pinch the waitress (or waiter?)

Joking?

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman says "Is this some kind of joke?"

On the house

Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the pub? .... Because she thought the drinks where on the house

Flaky

So a blonde calls her boyfriend and tells him she bought a difficult puzzle with many pieces. "What's it supposed to look like?" he asked. "A rooster," she replied. When he gets home he rolls his eyes and says," I think you should just sit down while I clean up the cornflakes."

Pundit

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did..

Peck

What goes peck - peck - peck - boom? ..... A Chicken in a mine field

Grass of Home

'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common ?' 'Well, It's Not Unusual.'

Lottery

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

Carpet Tiles

Men are like carpet tiles if you lay them right you can walk over them for the next 30 years

Paris

Did you hear about the man in Paris who almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre?.... After planning the crime, getting in and out through all the security at the Louvre, he was caught only a mile away when his van ran out of petrol.... When asked how he could mastermind such a spectacular crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: “Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

Reception

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.

Homework

A teacher is talking to a student.
Teacher: Did you father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

Jump Start

A set of jump leads walk into a bar....The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

Heaven and Hell

Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs Italian, the mechanics German, the lovers French, and it's all organized by the Swiss. Hell is where the police are German, the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss, and it's all organized by the Italians.

Bug

A farmer in Devon was milking his cow one day. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

Tents

This guy goes to see his Doctor. “Doc,” he says, “I keep having these recurring dreams. First I’m a tepee, then I’m a wigwam, then I’m a tepee, then I’m a wigwam. It’s just driving me crazy! What’s wrong with me?” “It’s very simple,” the doctor replies. “You’re two tents.

Skeletal

Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town? ..... Because they have no body to go out with...

Invisible

Nurse: Doctor, Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room! .......Doctor: Well, go in there and tell him I can't see him!!

Changes

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.... A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

Parking

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 100 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES. When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

Hard

What's black and hard?

A crow with a flick knife.

ooo-ah

The oo-ahh bird is known as such because it of its unique ability to lay square eggs

Big Yellow Thing

What's big, yellow and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you? ..... A J.C.B!

Young Lawyer

A young lawyer who had taken over his father’s practice rushed home really happy one night. “Dad, listen,” he shouted, “I’ve finally settled that old McCabe suit.” “Settled it!” cried his flabbergasted father. “Why, you fool! We have been living off that money for five years!”

Critical

Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.

Puff

Two muffins were put in the oven. the first muffin says, "Geez, it's hot in here!" The second muffin says, "Holy God!! A talking muffin!"

TellyTubby

What do you call a Tellytubby who has been burgled? Tubby!

Charitable

Why don't oysters give to charity? Because they're shellfish.

Scary

Why did the scarecrow win an Emmy award? Because he was outstanding in his field!

Lawyers Fee

A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: "Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!" The defendant answered, "No, we won"

Doctor Doctor

Doctor Doctor my eyesight is getting worse. You're absolutely right this is the Post Office

Soulless

Did you hear about the shoe factory that burnt down?...... Two hundred soles were lost.

Cat Nurse

Why did the cat want to become a nurse? ... She wanted to be a first-aid kit!

Specific

What did the Atlantic ocean say to the Indian ocean? ......Try and be more Pacific!

Barring None

TWO MEN WALKED INTO A BAR YOU WOULD HAVE EXPECTED AT LEAST ONE OF THEM TO DUCK!!

Knock Knock

Knock, knock ...Who’s there? ...Anita! ...Anita who? ... Anita to borrow a pencil!

Cornflakes

Knock, knock. Who's there? Cornflakes Cornflakes who? I'll tell you next week, it's a cereal.

Invisible

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either..

Bitty

Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?” The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”

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Comments

They are all so rubbish that they make me laugh :-)

damn ..they are good !

Some r bad, others r worse!

worst jokes ever (and there like 20 years old)

i like the bike one

keep em coming ahhhh !

should b called the worst jokes in the world

some great awful jokes there

some of these jokes r good and some r rubbish.

Jokes aren't good

Get good jokes

some of them are really cute...some are bad...but over all, pretty cool

they all suck tbh. the gorilla one was so ridiculously bad i face-palmed...

i like the scarecrow one coz i think its the only gd one.:0

some of the jokes are great but u really need to get a life

the gorilla one is terrible...not the worst but deffo terrible

these jokes are the best

oh my gosh. that was awful

these jokes r OK, nt gr*

brappp braapp sik jokes

THE JOKES ARE RUBBISH WERE DO YOU GET THEM THEY ARE ALL DOWNRIGHT AWFUL

ummm the gorllia one is good the rest NOT !!!!

I think they are OK especially the ones about the Blonde's

how about no

wedding jokes

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