Bug

A farmer in Devon was milking his cow one day. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

Grass of Home

'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common ?' 'Well, It's Not Unusual.'

Lottery

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

Puff

There's a blonde, a brunette and a ginger and a magic mirror floats into the room and says if you tell a lie you go "puff" into space, the ginger steps up and says the brunette's hair is green "puff" she's gone the brunette says I think blondes are smart "puff" she's gone and then the blonde says i think... "puff"   

Flaky

So a blonde calls her boyfriend and tells him she bought a difficult puzzle with many pieces. "What's it supposed to look like?" he asked. "A rooster," she replied. When he gets home he rolls his eyes and says," I think you should just sit down while I clean up the cornflakes."   

Jump Start

A set of jump leads walk into a bar....The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

Homework

A teacher is talking to a student.
Teacher: Did you father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.   

Reception

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.   

Little Boy

Why did the little boy fall off his bicycle? Because somebody threw a fridge at him..   

Tents

This guy goes to see his Doctor. “Doc,” he says, “I keep having these recurring dreams. First I’m a tepee, then I’m a wigwam, then I’m a tepee, then I’m a wigwam. It’s just driving me crazy! What’s wrong with me?” “It’s very simple,” the doctor replies. “You’re two tents.

Skeletal

Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town? ..... Because they have no body to go out with...

Changes

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.... A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

Paris

Did you hear about the man in Paris who almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre?.... After planning the crime, getting in and out through all the security at the Louvre, he was caught only a mile away when his van ran out of petrol.... When asked how he could mastermind such a spectacular crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: “Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”  

Parking

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 100 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES. When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

Big Yellow Thing

What's big, yellow and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you? ..... A J.C.B!   

Scary

Why did the scarecrow win an Emmy award? Because he was outstanding in his field!   

Barring None

TWO MEN WALKED INTO A BAR YOU WOULD HAVE EXPECTED AT LEAST ONE OF THEM TO DUCK!!

Knock Knock

Knock, knock ...Who’s there? ...Anita! ...Anita who? ... Anita to borrow a pencil!

Specific

What did the Atlantic ocean say to the Indian ocean? ......Try and be more Pacific!

Invisible

Nurse: Doctor, Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room! .......Doctor: Well, go in there and tell him I can't see him!!

Heaven and Hell

Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs Italian, the mechanics German, the lovers French, and it's all organized by the Swiss. Hell is where the police are German, the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss, and it's all organized by the Italians.   

Soulless

Did you hear about the shoe factory that burnt down?...... Two hundred soles were lost.

Cat Nurse

Why did the cat want to become a nurse? ... She wanted to be a first-aid kit!

Hard

What's black and hard?

A crow with a flick knife.   

Young Lawyer

A young lawyer who had taken over his father’s practice rushed home really happy one night. “Dad, listen,” he shouted, “I’ve finally settled that old McCabe suit.” “Settled it!” cried his flabbergasted father. “Why, you fool! We have been living off that money for five years!”

Bitty

Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?” The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”

Invisible

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either..

Puff

Two muffins were put in the oven. the first muffin says, "Geez, it's hot in here!" The second muffin says, "Holy God!! A talking muffin!"