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Doctor Jokes

The good and bad news

Doctor Jones took his patient into his office and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

Doctor Jones said, "They're going to name a disease after you."

YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR THESE WORDS IN SURGERY ?

Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?

Damn! Page 56 of the manual is missing!

Everybody stand back! I lost a contact lens!

Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

Whoa, wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, he's got two of'em

What do you mean "You want a divorce?"

Emergency Room

Comedian Brian Regan

>>>>> Video <<<<<

DOCTOR DOCTOR

Doctor, Doctor, I keep wanting to cover myself in gold paint. Don't worry it's only a gilt complex.

Doctor Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?!
Stick your foot out and trip it up!

Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a ten pound note.
Go Shopping, the change will do you good.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a clock.
OK, just relax. There's no need to get yourself wound up.

Doctor, Doctor Can I have second opinion?
Of course, come back tomorrow!

Doctor, Doctor my husband smells like fish
Poor sole!

Trust Me, I'm a (Junior) Doctor
By Max Pemberton from Amazon.co.uk

Emergency Call out

A well-respected consultant doctor was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work.

As he was tuning in to the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for cards," said his friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely.

"In fact, three doctors are there already!"

Annual physical

One day, Harry had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You passed with flying colours, is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favour 15 to 2."

Patient to eye surgeon - "I’m very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances?"

Surgeon to patient - "Don’t worry, you won’t be able to see the difference."

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."

The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!"

The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

Patient: Doc, will I be able to read with these glasses?

Doc: You sure will.

Patient: That's great! I never could read before.