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Scottish Temperatures

(Degrees Fahrenheit.)

50 degrees
   New Yorkers turn on the heat.
   People in Scotland plant gardens.

40 degrees
   Californians shiver uncontrollably.
   People in Scotland sunbathe.

35 degrees
   Italian cars won't start.
   People in Scotland drive with the windows down.

20 degrees
   Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.
   People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.

15 degrees
   Californians begin evacuation.
   People in Scotland go swimming.

Zero degrees
   New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
   People in Scotland have the last BBQ before it gets cold.

10 degrees below zero
   People in Miami cease to exist.
   People in Scotland lick flagpoles.

20 degrees below zero
   Californians fly away to Mexico.
   People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.

80 degrees below zero
   Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
   Scottish Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

100 degrees below zero
   Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
   People in Scotland pull down their ear flaps.

173 degrees below zero
   Ethyl alcohol freezes.
   People in Scotland get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs.

297 degrees below zero
   Microbial life start to disappear.
   Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

460 degrees below zero
   All atomic motion stops.
   People in Scotland start saying "chilly, you cald an aw?"

500 degrees below zero
   Hell freezes over.
   Aberdeen win the Scottish Cup.

Funny Video - Scottish Sobriety Test

Bargins from eBay

Wifely Duties

Three Scottish men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties

Macbain had married a woman from America and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and that needed done at their house.

He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Macgregor had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results but the next day it was better.

By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man Cameron had married a Scottish girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, fill the washing machine and call a landscaper.

God bless Scottish women!!!


A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad woman standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?"

The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Yes, please, I haven't eaten a bite of food for a week and I am very hungry!"

She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a basket of food. When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?"

"Oh, yes! That food has made me very thirsty and I would very much like a drink!"

She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey.

The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad woman leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?"

"Oh, you beautiful woman, don't tell me you've got a golf course here too!"

Train Fare

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car.

As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called "Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats.

The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time.

Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.

On the Upper Deck

It was cold and raining on the upper deck and. the captain was concerned for the comfort of his passengers.

He called down: ‘Is there a mackintosh down there big enough to keep two young lassies warm?’

‘No, skipper,’ came the reply, ‘but there’s a McPherson willing to try.’

Scotland Tour

The Scottish bus driver was giving a tour of Scotland to a group of tourists. The tour went through the countryside and the driver would point out sights of interest. He drove by this one area and said, "Over there is where the Scottish PULVERIZED the English."

They drove on a little further and the driver pointed to another area along the roadway and said, "This is the place where the Scottish MASSACRED the English.

Not much further down the road the driver told his passengers that on the right was the great battlefield where the Scottish WHIPPED the English.

About that time a man on the bus, with a stiff English accent, said, "My good man, didn't the English win any battles around here"?

The bus driver responds, "Not while I'm driving the bus".


Edward Longshanks (Edward I of England) travels North to conquer the Scots, and he brings 4,000 men with him.

As he nears the battlefield, suddenly there appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill. It is a short, ginger-haired man in a kilt.

"Hammer o' the Scots?" He yells! . "Come up here, ya English fools, and I'll give ye a hammerin'!"

Edward turns to his commander. "Send 20 men to deal with that upstart, there's a good chap!", he says.

The commander sends twenty of his best men over the hill to kill the Scotsman.

Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the little Scot appears again. "Ya English Jampots!", he yells. "Come on the rest of ye!! Come on, I'll have ye a'!!!"

Edward is now very annoyed. He turns to his commander and says, "Send 100 men to kill that little guttersnipe!"

The commander sends a hundred man over the hill to do the job.

Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of the hill once more, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a wee bit torn. "Ya English SCUM!", he yells. "I'm just warming up!! Come and get me, ya English gits!!"

Edward losses patience. "Commander, take 400 men and WIPE HIM OFF THE EARTH!", he yells.

The commander gulps, but leads four hundred men on horseback over the crest of the hill.

Ten minutes later, the little Scotsman is back. His clothing is all torn, his face is covered in blood, gore and Irn-Bru. "Is that the best ye can do??? You're bloody WIMMIN!!! Come on!! Come and have a go ya bunch of Jessies!!!", he yells.

Edward turns to his second in command. "Take 1000 men over that hill and don't come back till you've killed him!" he commands.

The second in command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate.

Ten minutes later, one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill.

He's covered in blood and his clothes are all torn. "Your Majesty!!" he yells. "It's a trap!!! There's TWO of them!!!

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