The Quotes of Woody Allen

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

I am at two with nature.

Source

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a cross-roads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

And if it turns out that there is a God, I don't believe that he is evil. The worst that can be said is that he's an underachiever.
 

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.
 

My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.
 

If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
 

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year
and spends very little on office supplies.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. . .I want to achieve it through not dying.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

It was the most fun I ever had without laughing.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers.

Q. Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything?
A. Yes, for twenty-four hours I refused to eat grapes.
 

I am an only child. I have one sister.

Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him 'Be fruitful, and multiply.' But not in those words.

I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Death is an acquired trait.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's so hard to find your way around Chinatown.

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

I do not believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
 

94.5% of all statistics are made up.

Why ruin a good story with the truth?

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light and certainly not desirable, as ones hat keeps falling off...

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over
much too soon.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker