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Quotes & Humour on Marriage


Explaining marriage

The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny.

When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the reception, etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think so," she said, "is that when mummy came to work for us?"



Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

I think, therefore I am single.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Marriage is not just a word, It is a sentence

Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; marriage is also three-meals-a-day and taking out the trash - Dr. Joyce Brothers

Who, being loved, is poor? - Oscar Wilde


How many women ?

A little boy was attending his first wedding.  After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How did you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the vicar said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.'



A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner.

His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy:
"I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about ten years ago."

If you are getting married there are some advice and tips here

Love comforteth like sunshine after rain - Shakespeare


Wife: 'Do you want dinner?"
Husband: "Sure, what are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes and no"


There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. - George Sand


Where there is love there is life. - Mahatma Gandhi


Grandpa's Wisdom

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning' his salt that he forgets his sugar.


Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.


On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past... but never the present.


A foolish husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work.


The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.


Many girls like to marry a military man -- he can cook, sew, make beds, and is in good health... and he's already used to taking orders.

Other bits and pieces


The first duty of love is to listen  - Paul Tillich


Husbands are like fires. They go out when unattended - Zsa Zsa Gabor



A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.


"You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you're the boss.". The husband takes the doctor's advice.


He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys, and you are going to stay at home where you belong ... And another thing, guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?"


His wife says calmly, " The undertaker."


Friends - Season 1-10 Complete Collection (15th Anniversary) [DVD] from


The best way to get most husbands  to do something is to suggest  that perhaps they're too old to do it. - Ann Bancroft


The most effective way to remember

 your wife's birthday is to forget it once


My wife submits and I obey;

she always lets me have her way.


Being married gives one one's position like nothing else can - Queen Victoria


Wished for

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th  birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.


The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.


Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.


The critical period in matrimony is breakfast-time. - Sir Alan Patrick Herbert


Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards

Benjamin Franklin



There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends. - Homer


Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be - Robert Browning


If music be the food of love, play on...  - Shakespeare


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar


Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.


Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute


Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.


One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again - Judith Viorst


A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year. - Paul Sweeney


When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.

George Bernard Shaw

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