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Great Collection of Clean Jokes

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Humorous Quotes

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. - graffiti


The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated -Mark Twain


I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like fries with that?' - Jay Leno


God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers. - Jewish proverb


We are the people our parents warned us about. - graffiti


We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. - Decca Recording Co. on rejecting the Beatles in 1962


An economic forecaster is like a cross-eyed javelin thrower: they don't win many accuracy contests, but they keep the crowd's attention. - Anonymous


Why inflict pain on oneself, when so many others are ready to save us the trouble. - George W. Pachaud


Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. - George Carlin


What luck for rulers, that men do not think. - Adolf Hitler


So many men, so little time. - Mae West


The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" - anon


If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you - Anon


The Boat That Rocked [DVD] [2009] from

"Taking the infamous Radio Caroline as inspiration, The Boat That Rocked is an hilarious feel-good romp"


Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. -Mark Twain


Never wrestle with a pig in the mud. You'll lose, and the pig loves it. - A pig farmer from Kansas


Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. - Isaac Asimov


An intelligent hell would be better than a stupid paradise. - Victor Hugo


All great truths begin as blasphemies. - George Bernard Shaw


A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. - Robert Lee Frost


Prejudices save time. - Robert Byrne


Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes. - Unknown


What if there were no hypothetical situations? - Andrew Kohlsmith


All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door. - Unknown


Would you sponsor a tramp? - A Tramp


640K ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates, 1981


If a million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing. - Anatole France


Any time you got nothing to do--and lots of time to do it--come on up. - Mae West


I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.- Ed Bluestone


It isn't what I do, but how I do it. It isn't what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it. - Mae West


I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. - Bill Hoest


It takes two to get one in trouble. - Mae West


Don't ever make the same mistake twice, unless it pays. - Mae West


Don't keep a man guessing too long--he's sure to find the answer somewhere else - Mae West


Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. - Henry Youngman


The Second Law of Thermodynamics: If you think things are in a mess now, just wait! - Jim Warner


In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen


When ideas fail, words come in very handy. - Goethe


No issue is so small that it can't be blown out of proportion. - Hughes


A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular with what's left of your unit. - US Army Magazine.


Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. - Bruce Graham


Never believe anything until it's officially denied. - Margaret Atwood


For a list of reasons why technology has failed to improve the quality of life, press 3


I'm naturally paranoid. I come from Russian-Jewish stock, so I have a complete sense of persecution at all times. - Gavin Rossdale


Anyone who thinks animals have no will... has never bathed a cat - Jennifer L. Dziura


The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying b...ds - Alexander Jablokov


When I saw him, I liked him. When I liked him, I Loved him. When I Loved him, I lost him - Julia Lasalle


Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically three major categories; those that don't work, into those that break down and those that get lost - Russell Baker


Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened. - Winston Churchill


 I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor


I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. - Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943


I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. - Lily Tomlin


Marines never die. They just go to hell and regroup. - Anon


If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth


In the beginning, the universe was created. This made a lot of people very angry, and has been widely regarded as a bad idea. - Douglas Adams


Smile things may get worse more slowly. - graffiti


What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me? - Marilyn Pittman


No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats, approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less - Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom


If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either. - Dick Cavett


Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. - Lily Tomlin


Mary had a little lamb and the doctor fainted. - Anonymous


Never moon a werewolf. - Mike Binder


Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they are unable to do it themselves. - Brendan Behan


A billion here, a billion there - pretty soon it adds up to real money! - Everett Dirkson


Cats are smarter than dogs. You can not get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. - Jeff Valdez


The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself. - Rita Mae Brown


Great! It works! Now all we have to do is keep it from exploding! - Anon


Plan A has failed. - Poster, London


"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..." Last words of Union General John Sedgwick, killed by a Confederate sharpshooter at Spotsylvania, 1864


The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1.322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26.911 words. - Unknown


One of the advantages of being disorderly is constantly making exciting discoveries. - A.A. Milne


A ship in harbour is safe - but that is not what ships are for. - John A. Shedd


There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. - P.J. O'Rourke


The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple. - Oscar Wilde


All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power - Ashleigh Brilliant


Maintain thy airspeed, lest the ground rise up and smite thee.


May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.


I can resist everything except temptation. - Oscar Wilde


Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline sharply the minute they start waving guns around? - Dr. Who


Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties. - Jules Renard


Don't marry a man to reform him--that's what reform schools are for. - Mae West


I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. - Kinison


I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. - Albert Einstein


Never trust a hippie - Sid Vicious


If it weren't for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn't get done - Michael S. Traylor


If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe. - Carl Sagan


Part of the $10 million I spent on gambling, part on booze and part on women. The rest I spent foolishly - George Raft


Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you recognise a mistake when you make it again - F. P. Jones


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing - Emo Philips


Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. - Sam Levenson


Under capitalism - man exploits man. Under communism it's just the opposite - John Kenneth Galbraith


One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important - Bertrand Russell


I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you - Anon


Thousands of years ago the Egyptians worshiped cats as gods. Cats have never forgotten this - Charles Herbig

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Copyright 2003-2011 - All rights reserved.- Revised: 09/21/12.


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