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Tommy Cooper Jokes

Tommy Cooper (March 19, 1921 April 15, 1984) was a British comedian and magician born in Caerphilly, Wales.

Cooper made an art form of getting magic tricks wrong. He is considered by many to be one of the most inventive and funny British comedians since Charlie Chaplin. It should be noted, however, that despite his purported inability to perform conjuring tricks, he was in reality an accomplished magician and member of the Magic Circle. Famed for his red fez, he had a host of catchphrases such as "Just like that!", "Spoon, jar, jar, spoon!!" and "Whisky, sample, sample, whisky, sample...".

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Tommy Cooper took up show business in 1947 after seven years in the Army, and rapidly became a top-liner in variety with his turn as the conjuror whose tricks never succeeded.

On April 15, 1984, Tommy Cooper collapsed in front of millions of television viewers, midway through his act, on the popular ITV variety show, Live from Her Majesty's. Most of the audience thought it was part of his act until it became apparent that he was seriously ill. He was pronounced dead on arrival at nearby Charing Cross hospital.

In a 2005 poll The Comedian's Comedian, Cooper was voted the 6th greatest comedy act ever by fellow comedians and comedy insiders.

 

Car Thief

What do you call a Chinese car thief? tommytookamotor

Anon

Fishy

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall ? Dam

Anon

Bar

A man walks into a bar, "ouch!"

Anon

Barber shop

Man says to barber how much is a haircut barber replies 5 man says how much is a shave barber replies 2.50 man says shave my head. From Mick

Colour TV

A man goes to his Psychiatrist and the Psychiatrist says: "What's the problem"

The man says, "I think I'm becoming a kleptomaniac."

The Psychiatrist says, "Here take these tablets and if you're no better in a week ..... Bring me a colour TV"

The Wife

I came home one night and my wife was crying.

I said "What's wrong?"

She said "I'm home sick"

I said "This is your home"

She said "Yes and I'm sick of it"

Promotion

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again."

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'

And I Said 'I careered off the road.'"

Bike

One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down.

"Can't you ring your bell?" She said

"I can ring my bell," I said "But I can't ride my bike"

Airplane

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.

Bookish

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.

I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."

Anorak

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.

I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'

He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'"

Go for it

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

Wife

My wife had a go at me last night

She said "You'll drive me to my grave"

"I had the car out in thirty seconds"

Great Driving

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"

Dentist

"So I went to the dentist.

He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?"

He said "My dog's died."

Skip

So I rang up a local building firm.

I said "I want a skip outside my house."

He said "I'm not stopping you.'"

2 Aerials

Two aerials meet on a roof - fell in love - got married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Doctor Doctor

I went to the doctors

He said "What appears to be the problem?"

I said "I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away"

He said "How can I help?"

I said "Break my arms!"

 

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

 

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green green grass of home''""

He said, "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

I asked, "Is it common?"

He said, "It's not unusual."

 

I went to the doctor the other day, I said I've broke my leg in three places.

He said don't go to those places.

 

I went to the doctor.

He said "you've got a very serious illness"

I said "I want a second opinion"

He said "all right, you're ugly as well"

Rottweiler

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy"

Waiter

Anyway, I said to the waiter, 'Forget the chicken, bring me a lobster.

So he brought a lobster.

I said 'Just a minute, it's only got one claw.'

He said 'It's been in a fight'.

I said 'Bring me the winner'.

Sleep

I slept like a log last night.

I woke up in a fireplace.

Copper

A copper stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: "Would you please blow into this bag, Sir"

I said: "What for, Officer?"

He says: "My chips are too hot"

Swimming

So I rang up my local swimming baths.

I said "Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from."

Dreams

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

Cannibal

Two cannibals eating a clown.

One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Bar

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, "I think I've lost an electron."

The other says "Are you sure?"

The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Steaks

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."

Saucy

I bought some HP sauce the other day.

It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Potatoes

A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, "I want five pounds of potatoes please."

And the greengrocer says, "We only sell kilos ...

So the man says, alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos."

Trousers

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Safari

This bloke is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress.

He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.

Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.

It was a different elephant.

Bar

A neutron walks into a bar.

"I'd like a beer" he says.

The bartender promptly serves up a beer.

"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.

"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge.

Dentist

I went to the dentist. He said my teeth are fine, my gums will have to come out.

Wife

Home from work and the wife said, "I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner"

I said "Don't worry-- I'll get you a new cat"

Back

I hurt my back the day.

I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.

Luck

I've always been unlucky.

I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

Frisky

I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it.

So we decided we take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.

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Comments

haha ha ah ha ha ha ho ho ho ho
100% agreement
Only Tommy could say the simplest of jokes and make tears roll down your cheeks! What a man, we miss him greatly.

Tommy cooper is a legend I don't know how he came 5th in that poll. i suppose morecombe and wise and the two ronnies possibly assuming they were both in as double acts. mmmm 5th is far to low. Legend

simple the best forget the rest.


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