When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power
left to get you to the scene of the crash.
Airspeed, altitude, and brains.
Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you
LETTER FROM A RETIRED AIRLINE PILOT TO HIS
Here is a home study simulator course for those who still
hunger for the romance and adventure of airline flying. That "Romance and
Adventure" will all come back to you if you follow the steps of this "practice
trip" at home:
1. Stay out of bed all night.
2. Sit in your most uncomfortable chair, in a closet,
for nine or ten hours facing a four foot wide panoramic photo of a flight deck.
3. Have two or three noisy vacuum cleaners on high, out
of sight but within hearing distance and operating throughout the night. If a
vacuum cleaner fails, do the appropriate restart checklist.
4. Halfway through your nocturnal simulator course,
arrange for a bright spotlight to shine directly into your face for two or three
hours, simulating flying an eastbound flight into the sunrise.
5. Have bland overcooked food served on a tray midway
through the night.
6. Have cold cups of coffee delivered from time to
time. Ask your spouse to slam the door frequently.
7. At the time when you must heed nature's call, force
yourself to stand outside the bathroom door for at least ten minutes,
transferring your weight from leg to leg, easing the discomfort. Don't forget to
wear your hat.
8. Leave the closet after the prescribed nine or ten
hours, turn on your sprinklers and stand out in the cold and "rain" for twenty
minutes, simulating the wait for the crew car.
9. Head for your bedroom, wet and with your suitcase
and flight bag. Stand outside the door till your wife gets up and leaves,
simulating the wait while the maid makes up the hotel room.
10. When your spouse inquires, "Just what in the hell
have you been doing?" just say, "Recalling the allure of all night flying to
romantic places." as you collapse into bed.
11. If you are a purist, make this a two-day trip
instead of a turn-around, and do this two nights in a row. Hope you enjoy your
sim session. Retired
Comment "i liked the jokes. Didn't understand this As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland, a lone voice came...."
"Whilst studying for my PPL a friend suggested this series of books. It was well worth the investment, every diagram, every move explained with perfect clarity. Ideal for those who are either taking the PPL
or already have and want it as a stand-by reference. I come back to it time and
the different phases of the art of flying, this book shows what the pilot does,
when he flies, just how he does it, and why. It is applicable to large airplanes
and small, old airplanes and new, and is of interest to learners, accomplished
pilots and also to the instructors"
Pilot : "Venezia tower Funair 421 established on final 22"
Tower : " Funair 421 clear to land wind calm seaguls on the runway"
Pilot : " Funair 421 clear to land ...ugh... you mean Italian girls ?"
for the joke - took me a while but I got it in the end :-)
ATC: Say Altitude
ATC: Say Cancel IFR
Pilot: 175Knots Indicated, 8000 Feet.
(Need help in understanding this one, can anyone enlighten)
in the ATC
joke, when the atc says " say cancel ifr", IF the pilot replied with "cancel IFR"
that would have meant that ATC no longer had to look after him, or take his
"humour" so instead our pilot had to reply with all of the requested
information, which he did, pronto! - Thanks
"This series of books will probably teach you more than you would need to know for taking the PPL course"
A P-3 pilot who was still flying under the
supervision of an instructor pilot made a particularly rough landing. As the
pilot finished his post flight duties, he was nervous about the ominous silence
from the crew in back.
Finally an enlisted Chief said "Son, I know
that was an illegal landing, you did not get through the check list between the
last two bounces." Duke
Qantas 747 gets caught up in air race and has
to land without fuel
Two good ol' country boys
Two good ol' country boys, kyle and billy-bob,
are on their first plane ride out of Arkansas. Captain comes over the pa....
'ladies and gentlemen, we have a problem with number 1 engine, I'm shutting it
down but don't worry, we still have three more engines. Our arrival time will be
delayed by two hours.
After a while the captain returns on the pa
system. 'Sorry ladies and gentlemen, number 2 engine has developed a problem,
but don't worry... I'll shut it down, however our arrival time will be delayed
by a few more hours.
After the same thing happens to the third engine Kyle turns to Billy-bob and
says 'jeeeez, iffen the next motor breaks we'll be stuck up here for ever!'
Hey, great site, regards Pauly. yee ha!
One day a guy goes to a warehouse to apply
for a job as a forklift operator. employer: do you know how to operate a
forklift? guy: yes i do. employer: how long have you been using a forklift? guy:
a year or so. employer: how many loads have you dropped? guy: none. employer:
what?? guy: we weren't allowed to drop loads. employer: where did you work? guy:
i worked for the air force. employer: what did you move? guy: bombs.
employer: get to work! there's the forklift! Anon
Half Price Tickets
USAir recently introduced a special half fare
for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable
testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen
who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
Blue Angels 2006
Hold Your Breath for some close formation flying
Here is the TRUE meaning of aviation terms!
In alphabetical order.
AA : "Alcoholics Anonymous" (or "American
Airlines" if you prefer)
ASC : "Attractive and Sexy Captain" (Actually
"Automatic Systems Controller")
TWA : "Time Wasted at the Airport" (Actually
"Trans World Airline")
Virgin : A Flight Attendant ...BEFORE she
becomes a Flight Attendant
You know you are a freight pilot when
1) On the tarmac, the ground personnel rolls
the red carpet AWAY from your plane ;
2) The plane you are flying was getting old
when you were born ;
3) You haven't done a daylight landing for 6
4) The ATC tells you there is smoother air at
another FL and you don't care ;
5) You call for transportation to the hotel
and they can't find you on the airport ;
6) Your uniform has not been ironed for two
weeks and nobody cares ;
7) You fly through a terrible storm and you
can hear the thunder (instead of the passengers);
8) You have to get your own coffee ;
9) Nobody is afraid when you use the toilet ;
10) Upon approaching, you call ATC and decline
your company's name and ATC replies "Who?" ;
These jokes contributed by "Toutou"
If you like this page
Email it to as many people
Spread the word by
posting the below code in as many places as possible
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10
o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
How many pilots does it take to change a light
bulb? One - one to hold it, and the rest of the world to revolve around him!
An award should go to the United Airlines gate
agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted
with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United
flight was cancelled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket
down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've
got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind
him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address
"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout
the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "(Expletive) you."
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to
stand in line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although
the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry at
Apparently one of the smallest twin engine
aircraft in the world, packs a lot of punch !
F16 Vs Hercules
An USAF F16 is escorting an RAF
Hercules when the F16 pulls a perfect roll right around the Herc. The F16 pilot
then comes over the radio: "lets see you try that then" The Hercules crew ponder
for a moment....then shut down number 1 engine. The Herc crew come over the
radio in a dodgy US accent: "lets see you try that then"!
At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants
were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner
and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight
control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless.
When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay
onboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi
as far as the runway, let alone take off.
Air Traffic (out
K2 - During taxi, the crew
of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to
nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the
US Air crew screaming "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right
on 'Charlie' taxi way; you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there. I know it's
difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right".
Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was
now shouting hysterically, "You've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to
sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can
expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly
where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771??"
Naturally, the 'ground control' frequency went terribly
silent until an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married
to you once?"
The photographer for
a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke
at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home
office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured
by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough,
a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled,
"Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were
in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer,
"and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer,
and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not
the instructor" Coco
What's the difference between God and a fighter
God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
Q: How do you know if a pilot is at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
-Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane..
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick
back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the
way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing
you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used
to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot starts
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No-one has ever
collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one
after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes
full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival.
Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't
get to five minutes earlier.
12a. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be
another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that
mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal
to the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one
knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of
experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round
and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things
are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles
per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes
from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway
behind you and a tenth of a second ago.
25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings
of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.— Mark Russell
Concorde and the Red Arrows at
Video Film Movie
On an Air NZ Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the
appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing the hostess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're
going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to leave the
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland,
a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a flight attendant
on a Qantas flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your
seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like
every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't
be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child
travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling
with more than one small child, pick your favourite.
"Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try
to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you,
or your money, more than Qantas Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency
water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area.
Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children... or
other adults acting like children."
Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart: The flight attendant
came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump, and I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault ... It was the asphalt!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into
the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer
to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks
for flying United." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had got off except for an old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is
it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
World Exclusive - Photo of Boeings
new environmentally friendly jet liner
After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew
have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire
smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you
can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And,
the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised
metal tube, we hope you'll think of Qantas."
This is your Captain
A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising
altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is good
and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax
- ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking,
the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my
lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Economy said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
We don't want to frighten
everyone about flying so we found this book that really explains everything with
a touch of humour. Look at the reader reviews, nearly everyone of them said
Keith Godfrey helped them conquer their fear of flying.
An email from Keith
an retired pilot (BA and all that pomp) I found the site funny but was delighted
and amazed to see my book plugged here. Thank you who ever it was that thought
outside the box and included the link.
Flying Without Fear by Keith
Godfrey, Gordon Redrup (Illustrator) Nervous flyer?
Want to be more relaxed next time you fly? Then Captain Keith Godfrey welcomes
you on board and takes you through everything that happens from take-off to
touchdown in a simple but informative way. In a non-technical but candid style
the author answers many of the questions that trouble nervous flyers. Over 250
questions are answered in a way that will inform and entertain the reader. Have
you ever wanted to know, for example: What is turbulence? Why are there so many
unusual noises? What is fuel dumping? Why are there so many warning lights on
the flight deck? Are things always going wrong? How does an aircraft stay up?
Why do they put on flaps at take-off and landing? What happens if an engine
stops? Why are there so many delays when it's foggy? How do you know what height
to climb to? How good are Air Traffic Controllers? Why do the crew tell me what
to do in an 'emergency' if they almost never happen?
Flying Skills Par Excellence
Su-30Mki Showing off
Video Film Movie
Date with a pilot
How do you know when you
are half way through a date with a pilot?
Because he says: "That's enough about flying,
let's talk about me"!
Working on the Fly !
"Squawks" are problems noted by
U.S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and
the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem (S) = Solution
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
flight OK, except auto land very rough. (S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.
2 propeller seeping prop fluid. (S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
loose in cockpit. (S) Something tightened in cockpit.
of leak on right main landing gear. (S) Evidence removed.
volume unbelievably loud. (S) Volume set to more believable level.
bugs on windshield. (S) Live bugs on order.
in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent. (S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.
inoperative. (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
locks cause throttle levers to stick. (S) That's what they're there for.
three engine missing. (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
handles funny. (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.
Radar hums. (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.
Here's a "squawk" someone told me about, I can't vouch for its authenticity
Unfamiliar noise from engine.
Ran engine continuously for 4 hours - noise now familiar.
The 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation
I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
Me? I've never busted minimums.
We will be on time, maybe even early.
Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed
for other reasons.
All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
I'm a member of the mile high club.
I only need glasses for reading.
I broke out right at minimums.
The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing
Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll
If we get a little lower I think we'll see the
I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and
3000 hours in a Lear.
We shipped the part yesterday.
I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
All you have to do is follow the book.
This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
We in aviation are overpaid, under worked and well
Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in
I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.
Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
We'll be home by lunchtime.
Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
I'm always glad to see the FAA.
We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
It just came out of annual -- how could anything
i liked the jokes. Didn't understand this As the plane landed
and was coming to a stop at Auckland, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
You really need a knack for humour to get into aviation..
especially fighter aviation
Lots of fun. Really enjoyed this - cheers!!
Made my day. Keep up the good work
This was great. After being a crew chief in the USAF and now residing in
Alaska, where there are more planes than horses, it was a joy to read these!
Great work...good job!
All of these jokes made me laugh. Those videos were awesome
too. -Codie Cox
Great Job! keep it coming.. - air mike
i am loving it. really good jokes
Really great site very good jokes keep up the good work... :)
I am Capt Vasudev ex Indian airlines pilot. It is really
refreshing and would recommend my fellow pilots with email and ask them to
experience the same joy i had. All the best, looking forward for more of
Some of the best fun I've seen on aviation!
This site ROCKS!!...Excellent..keep
it up..frm - Paul frm Kuwait
Heey your site is so fun, that
you even get viewers all the way from Holland ( me ) :p is my English oke ? haha
Classic!! been looking for a good aviation humour site for
a long time.
just great fun
Quality... am fae Scotland...
a thought this site is mad man,
am well no scared a flyin noo lmao
This rocks man!
I really am terrified of flying but these really make me laugh
and put a new light on the situation. Brilliant :D
I used to really like flying - Now I'm scared
**** less. Anyone got any Syrup of Figs?