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Great Collection of Clean Jokes

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  Fun Competitions

Jokes on America

Drinking Contest

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.  "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".


A couple stayed at the Watergate Hotel while visiting Washington, D,C. The wife was concerned. "What if, after all these years, the place is still bugged?" The husband says, "I'll look for a bug."

He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, and under the rug. "Aha." Under the rug was a disc with 4 screws. He gets his screwdriver, unscrews the screws and throws the disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the couple "How was your room?" "How was the service?" "How was your stay at the Watergate?"

The husband says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"

The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them."

Aircraft Carrier

During World War II, a young American airman landed on an aircraft carrier.


He jumped out of the cockpit and exclaimed, "What a day! I shot down two Zeros, sank a destroyer, and torpedoed a battleship!"


"Very good," came the reply. "but you make one rittle mistake."

Testing time

There was an attempt by the US Justice Department to test the comparative effectiveness of the FBI, the CIA and the NYPD by pitting them against each other in a test.

To do this, they select three identical forests and into each they set free a particular rabbit to mix with the rest of the rabbit population. Each agency is required to go into its forest and bring back the designated rabbit, dead or alive.


The FBI approaches the task by surrounding the forest, torching the place with flame throwers, killing every living thing and then announcing to the Justice Department:

"We got the rabbit".


The CIA groom an alternative rabbit administration back home, parachute in an elite squad of trained rabbit mercenaries to infiltrate the rabbit military establishment and spread damaging propaganda about the existing rabbit hierarchy, which eventually begins to shake. Following a quick and bloodless military coup, the new military leadership announces "open and fair" elections. The CIA's home-grown alternative administration wins by a landslide and is declared the legitimate and popularly supported government. This government proceeds to intern and torture all opposition, eventually reporting back to the CIA that their designated rabbit has been found and neutralised.


When the time comes, the NYPD enters its forest. Within hours, a huge commotion is heard. There is much angry shouting, punching, banging and groans emanating from a dark corner of the forest. Eventually, the commotion dies down and the NYPD emerge with an enormous grizzly bear in tow, hands cuffed behind his back, looking much the worse for wear and pleading:


"Okay, I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"


On the radio

This is the transcript of a radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.


Canadian: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."


Americans: "Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision."


Canadians: "Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."


Americans: "This is the captain of a US navy ship. I say again, divert your course."


Canadians: "No. I say again, you divert your course."


Americans: "This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship."


Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."


A Texan died and ascended into Heaven.


St. Peter met him and welcomed him saying


"You will certainly enjoy Paradise."


The Texan shook his head sadly and said "I always thought that TEXAS was Paradise."


St. Peter said "Well, let me show you what we have to offer."


He took the Texan to an area that had a beautiful river flowing through it with wildlife and flowers everywhere.


"Isn't this beautiful?" said St. Peter.


The Texan replied, "Yes, but not as pretty as the area around SAN ANTONIO."


Somewhat ruffled, St. Peter took him to another area where there were rolling hills, whitetail deer and bluebonnets and Indian Paintbrush everywhere.


"Now" said St. Peter "Have you ever seen anything so wonderful?"


The Texan paused and said "Yes, it is beautiful but it does not hold a candle to the TEXAS HILL COUNTRY in the springtime."


Becoming more upset, St. Peter then took the Texan to a beautiful white beach, with gentle waves, and an azure sky.


"Now have you seen anything this beautiful in Texas" said St. Peter.


The Texan smiled and said "I guess you've never been to SOUTH PADRE ISLAND".


At this point, St. Peter took the Texan to a large rock. On the side of the rock was a huge iron door. St. Peter opened the door and they stepped into an elevator and started going down. As they descended, it grew more and more hot. When the elevator door opened, it revealed the fires of damnation-Hell.


St. Peter said, "Now, have you got anything in Texas that can top that?"


The Texan thought a moment and shook his head.


"No, but I know a couple of old boys from HOUSTON that can put that thing out for you"



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Copyright 2003-2005 - All rights reserved.- Revised: 10/21/07.


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