Make the world laugh

Your Jokes

Light Bulb

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Elephant

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Older people driving

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Priest playing golf

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Think of a number

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Collie Dog

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Dear Deer

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Mathematical Constant

Laugh your socks off or just groan at the jokes ?

 

Maybe this works maybe it doesn't, hopefully it does

Great Collection of Clean Jokes

Jokes 1 - Jokes 2 - Jokes 3 - Jokes 4 - Jokes 5

Greatest Joke in the World

Jokes for Men

Of Course

F. Do you love me?
M. Of course
F. Then whisper something soft and sweet in my ear
M. Lemon meringue pie!

 

The Genie

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said, "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete, how much steel! No, think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say nothing...know how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

 

Comment "women are better and cuter but the jokes are still funny!"

Have your say

Cell Phone

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$68,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Does anyone know whose phone this is?

 

The Boat That Rocked [DVD]

The Boat That Rocked [DVD] [2009] from Amazon.co.uk

"Taking the infamous Radio Caroline as inspiration, The Boat That Rocked is an hilarious feel-good romp"

 

Why dogs are better than women

 

Dogs don't cry.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs love long car trips.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
Dogs like beer.
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
No dog ever bought a Cliff Richard CD
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
Dogs don't worry about germs.
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewellery.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs never want foot-rubs.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs can't talk.
Dogs aren't catty.
Dogs seldom outlive you.

 

A Woman's Vocabulary

FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we
feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so we feel that it's an even trade. It takes us "five minutes" to get ready after you're ready to go because we want to look our best and instead of complaining you need to shut up and wait patiently.

NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, backwards and kick your ass. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

OH
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine"
when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty BIG trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

 

You've got mail

 

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

 A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox, and again she opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

"My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

 

Water

Somewhere in a typical suburban household, John sits astride a ladder balancing some dangerous looking power tools and is running a severe risk of self-electrocution.

Enter Jill, Stage Left, Looking very bedraggled, and not happy.

Jill: There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor.
John: Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous.
Jill: I tell you the car has water in the carburettor.
John: You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out.  Where's the car?
Jill: In the pool.

 

 

 

How dogs and women are alike

 

Both look stupid in hats.
Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
Both tend to have "hip" problems.
Neither understand football.
Both look good in a fur coat.
Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Both constantly want back rubs.
Neither can balance a check book.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
Both put too much value on kissing.

 

5 reasons why computers must be female

 

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
4. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

 

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional and starts to recount a tale.

"I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren," says the man. "But yesterday, I picked up two 21-year-old girls, who were hitch-hiking. We went to a hotel where I made love to each of them three times."

"Are you sorry for your sins?" the priest asks.

"What sins?" replies the man.

"What kind of a Catholic are you?" says the priest, clearly shocked by the man's lack of shame.

"I'm not a Catholic, I'm Jewish." the man replies calmly.

"Well why on earth are you telling me all this?" asks the priest getting impatient.

To which the man responds: "Father, I'm telling everybody."

 


Comments

women are better and cuter but the jokes are still funny!

well i think this page is just wrong!!! women are much better then men!!! and much cuter!!!! so ha!!!!

Go here to see the ladies getting their own back :-)

this is all true and its funny

ALL true AND hilarious!


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